Coming Out Poly

Yesterday I attended a workshop on sustaining an open relationships and took a lot of notes. It was an amazing experience, and I wish Killian and Nyla could have been there too. I'll try my best to surmise the most of it.

First we went over the Pros and Cons of Open Relationships:

PROS
-customize your relationship to what you really want
-get your needs met
-more sex :)
-more communication
-experimentation
-growth
-acknowledge and act on desires for others
-takes pressure off relationship
-don't have to end one relationship to start another

CONS
-jealousy (obviously)
-living arrangements
-stigmas/judgments of others/ misconceptions of what it is
-having to hide relationship
-not enough time (the most common answer in all her interviews)
-limited energy
-STDs/Safety
-more work
-misunderstandings
-competition
-no community/ lack of access to others
-few role models/ lack of visibility
-lack of security and stability

One of the things she went over was that people assume you're either monogamous or single and when you defy that expectation people think something is wrong with you, you have commitment issues, or you're just weird. Due to this, people in O.R. have to hide it or lie.

One of my favorite lines in her entire presentation was when she was describing time management skills, she said "Time is quantifiable, but love is not." It's a common misconception for people to think that a person can only have so much love, just like the only have so much time. You only have so much time, and if one tries to be equal, they have to split it 50/50. Sometimes when a partner meets someone else, their primary thinks that love is that way too, if they're being fair that have to only give them half of the love they used to give. Love isn't like that. You can give 100% of your love to more than one person.

Then we went over the many STYLES of O.R.:
-Friends with Benefits (a favorite of college students everywhere :P)- I think this one is obvious
-Partnered Non-monogamy- A couple allowed to have sex (usually in the BDSM scene) but not allowed to have love relationships
-Swinging- it's own culture, usually heterosexual couples, mostly married, suburban, go to parties to swap or find a third (almost always a woman)
-Polyamory- can form love relationships with other people (two forms: Hierarchy and Non-Hierarchy)
Solo Polyamory- not committed to having a primary partner and no desire to
Polyfidelity- Triad or quad (or more), all committed to one another, behave as one relationship unit
Mono/Poly Combo- one partner is monogamous and the other is poly

Then, finally, we went over the BIG 'EN: Jealousy. She said it's ok to be jealous. It's a learned behavior, it's not innate, even though it may feel like it's something deep inside you that you can't change. She said you can unlearn it. Sometimes people envy the connection their partner has with the other, you can think that the other person is perfect and you aren't, you may be possessive and think that your partner belongs to you, there are feelings of exclusion, and the biggest fear that you'll be abandoned and replaced.

Then, in closing, we talked about COMPERSION. It's the opposite of jealousy and what all poly folks should strive for. It's taking pleasure in the joy that your partner's relationship brings. It's an ideal, of course, but one day... Let's all hope. ^.^