Coming Out Poly

I grew up in a family where fighting, yelling, and crying were so common that I didn't know other people lived another way. My dad has a problem with being verbally abusive and my mom was either utterly disconnected from our world or throwing things. This has made me pretty terrified of confrontation - people speak to me sternly and I break down. That being said, having issues with Killian and Elle or anyone else in our relationship is the last thing I want to go through. I want us to live as a happy, emotionally healthy unit.

The past couple weeks have been up and down for Killian, Elle, and I (hence the lack of updates here). All couples go through these kinds of things, so it would be expected that polys do, too. We are all people - and different - and being that close to anyone for as often as we are can be difficult at times.

Our issues ranged from small to quite large and we had our first big blow up which gave us the opportunity to finally sit down as a family and work to fix things. There was some yelling and crying, yes, but we realized that that was only going to aggravate the situation further, so we called Elle over. We presented the problems to each other as evenly and as non-accusatorily/defensively as possible and suggested positive ways to fix them. We sat down and took turns talking about what our feelings were and why and how we felt things should be changed. We're all working on things and I think it has brought us more together than anything else we've been through together.

One of the things you don't think about when you're on the outside of the poly world is the support network that you gain. Having even just one more person in the relationship helps to keep the other two level - they can provide that voice of reason and directly relate because they know the both of you, understand the way you think, and can help to translate the other person's feelings when it is something as little as a misunderstanding. Not only that, but when one person is having a personal issue it's comforting to be reassured that you are loved and wanted and are able to talk to more than one person who is that close to you.

Elle and I have grown a lot closer over these past few weeks, too. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who I have so much in common with - not only the fact that she's a woman, that we share similar interests, or that we are both poly - we are both in pretty much the same situation. I have never liked talking to anyone about any issues Killian and I are having because I don't want anyone to think ill of him just because we happen to be having a problem. Elle isn't 100% unbiased, of course, but she knows both of us and she loves Killian, so I don't have to worry that she'll look at him differently because I am upset about something. We have each other to talk to in the same way that Killian has Elle to talk to when he and I are struggling or me when he and Elle are.

The passed time has also been enlightening. Killian and I currently live separately from Elle, but we are working on doing things more as a family unit to build up to the idea of all living together. We still have our "date nights" (which have come to be more flexible because of the communication issues we have recognized and are working on), but we have also started doing a family night where we specifically do things together. Elle has been spending the night on those nights, which is nice because she and I both like the comfort that sleeping next to Killian brings, and Killian doesn't have to leave one of us for the night to spend it with the other. The three of us went grocery shopping for our respective households and I remarked to him afterwards that I was surprised how comfortable and right it seemed - it was so natural and amazingly family-centric. I think we have started bonding together because of these little things - even as mundane and everyday as the task might seem.

It's been nice to see my own personal progress over the past year of being in a V vs. a triad. I've overcome a lot of jealousy and insecurity issues (not that they don't flare up every now and again, but I am working to recognize them for what they are) and started being genuinely happy for what is happening in Killian's life and the new family we seem to be forming. It certainly hasn’t come easily, but I appreciate it a lot more knowing what it took for me to get here.