Coming Out Poly

Nyla and I have always had a solid relationship. It's one of the things most people comment about when they meet us. We interact well; we communicate well; we "fit", as it were. But, like most married couples, we have our issues. Only, we're not like most married couples, so our issues aren't really the typical issues.

One of the biggest things - for me - about Nyla and I having issues always comes down to thinking that they automatically involve Elle. They do, indirectly, but the issues are really mine and Nyla's to own. It's tough in a poly relationships, because it seems natural to assume that issues are always related to everyone in the relationship, and they're not. The easy way around it: communicate that. Also, if you're on the receiving end of that, believe it.

Mama Java has a good post about assertive communication, which I was inspired by (which I guess is good seeing as no one's posted here in like two weeks - sorry about that). Sometimes I have a problem when I communicate; I come off a bit condescending, and it's unintentional. I'm not sure what it is - maybe the teacher in me trying to bring it down to an understandable level or something - but it makes communication hard at times. My communication style seems to be a bit more aggressive than assertive. It's something I'm working on.

The point, though, is that there is good communication and bad communication. Most married couples have neither; they have no communication. I've spoken with my dad before about issues, and he has no response; he and my mom have never discussed particular issues. "It just never came up," he says. You've been married 20 years, and it never came up? Have you never heard of a hypothetical discussion? Nyla and I talk about things all the time that may never happen. I suppose it's part of our scholarly approach to nearly everything. We do talk about a lot, but there's always more to open up about. For me, I have a hard time expressing myself without getting worked up and angry - not at anyone in particular, just angry that someone's called my bluff and is trying to root out the problem. I think assertive communication is a good way to help alleviate that anger and make the environment more comfortable and accepting. If you don't have a comfortable environment to discuss your problems, then there's no discussion; it dies.

Elle and I decided to start taking walks to make it comfortable. We enjoy being outside; most of the time now, it's mildly pleasant. And we talk. No one cries; no one gets angry; we just walk together and talk quietly. We don't have to worry about people being around (she has room mates), and we don't have the option of stomping off to another room. It's relaxing, and it's nice.

Another one of my outlets is a poly friend. Many times when I'm upset, it's about something mundane and trite. I bitch about it to my poly friend, and it goes away. Mostly, I just want to rant and have someone nod and say "I agree that's dumb." Then it's over. I feel better. I don't feel guilty for holding it in; I don't feel ashamed for being annoyed about it; and I don't feel bitter about it later if it comes up again. I know the response to have, and I know how to deal with it rationally. I think everyone in a poly relationship needs poly friends. I think it should be a requirement when you get your badge.

What? You didn't get your badge? Mine is very nice, with ribbons and everything. I'm sure you'll get yours, too.