If only life were simple

My life is stressful just like everyone else's. And before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "blah, blah, blah, quit your bitching", hear me out:

This past weekend was a good weekend. I spent a lovely evening with Jenna on Friday as a late birthday dinner (she made a lovely meal, and we watched The Usual Suspects, which she'd never seen). Then Saturday was spent with Elle, lunch with Nyla, and then an evening with Nyla. But there was a bit of a miscommunication that brought things to a head and proved one thing: there is some serious need for inter-communication.

Coincidentally, The Polyamorous Misanthrope posted a lovely article about The Basics of polyamory. It's good stuff. (As well, Alan over at Poly in the News, posted a good comment/answer to the question posed by Mama Java.) Here is my answer to her question.

The second point she makes is about communication. I think the three of us (me, Nyla, and Elle) have been a bit lax in truly opening up and telling one another when something crosses our mind that might be pertinent to the relationship. I don't think it's necessarily a flaw; I just think that it's still a little new for all of us, and we're having to deal with new situations that arise. Things are different with Elle being so close; T&I were far away, and I had to deal with Nyla being away for whole weekends. Really, though - as Nyla pointed out to me - it's about the same amount of time being spent away from home. It just seems like more because I'm gone more often. But that's a tangent.

Communication is key. Nyla and I have always been comfortable talking about a lot of things, and we continue to do so. On Sunday, though, we went into conversations that made us uncomfortable, but we knew we needed to discuss. That was nice. It helped get things out that needed to get out, and we weren't upset, which is never a good time to truly discuss things because emotions are too high. Elle and I are comfortable with one another, but there are times when I have to pry, and I don't like doing that. It will just take time to work past that defense mechanism.

Also, I agree with it being second on the list under It's About Love because that is the entire motivation behind polyamory. I love Nyla, and I love Elle. In a way, I love Jenna, too - but there is more of a platonic sense to word when I use it. (I know Jenna will probably read this, so don't take that as overly hasty in declaring my affection for you). Love is a hard word to use because - to me - there are so many definitions of it and so many ways of interpreting it. So let me use Greek (oh, how I love sounding smart): with Nyla and Elle it is agape - love that is a "feeling of being content or holding one in high regard"; with Jenna it's eros - love that is desire and passion. It's all "love", though, and I can't imagine being as happy as I am if I hadn't chosen this path in life. I like making people happy; I like being the one to give attention those who deserve; and I love the pleasure of knowing that what I do is important to someone else.

Lastly, though, I have to say that in addition to that list should be added this:

Jealousy will arise - always - and everyone in the relationship has to know how to help the others deal with it.

I've had to deal with my own jealousy and insecurities; Nyla certainly has; and I'm sure that Elle has at various times. Jealousy is ugly. It is even more so when it isn't dealt with because it leads to very destructive behavior. Knowing how to deal with your own jealousy is very important to such a relationship; having people that can help you understand your jealousy and help you work through it is also important. Sometimes you're going to have to work through things yourself: I did a lot of late-night thinking when Nyla was gone on her weekends, and a lot of emotions came out that I had not dealt with for a long time. Now I know how to deal with those things when they come up - either with Nyla or Elle. Nyla hasn't had to do that, but now she's working through it (and Elle and I are both here to help). As for Elle, I'm her first boyfriend, and there are a lot of things outside of this even that she's never had to encounter. So a lot of what she goes through isn't just new, it's foreign.

So that's my long answer. Thanks Mama Java for the post; thanks Alan for the good reply. Sorry for the tangents :) If you'd like to post your thoughts here, please do; but also please feel free to post them to Misanthrope's blog, too.