Coming Out Poly

Over the past few weeks, Elle has grown increasingly more interested in what most would consider non-traditional things in the bedroom. She voiced an interest in D/s and BDSM, and I have always been interested in that: Nyla and I have done a great deal with that. However, I was of the mind to let Elle explore to what else was out there, so I nudged her over to CollarMe. Overall it's a good site, but there are a lot of creepies, and being that she's only 20, I was a little nervous about it. Things have turned out well, though. However, I feel that terrible rise of bile in my throat now that I've always hated: jealousy.

She's met a Dom from Chicago (who she says borders a bit on vanilla) whom interested in. It makes me happy to see that she's finding people that can satisfy her needs; on the other hand, it gives me a rush of emotion that I hate. I've always hated it. And I wish I could make it go away. I can't say that any of my reasons are justifiable, but I know where they originate, and perhaps some day I'll be able to quell them for good; but I think any long-termed poly will say that it will always be there. One just has to learn the appropriate ways to deal with it.

I know very little about Dom, but I know that I feel threatened by him. I feel that Elle is mine - whether she truly is or not is another question - and that makes me nervous to hand her off to him. I'm concerned for her safety, primarily; I'm nervous about her true reaction to him; and I'm ashamed that I even have to question myself or our relationship when something like this arises. Jealousy is ugly, and there never seems to be a good way to just take a deep breath, close your eyes and hope that when you open them it's gone.

Here are my reasons, though. And I put them down because I'm interested in other peoples' reasons for their jealousy. I know I'm not alone; but I know that I have to face these things by myself.

* It's a fear of inadequacy. I know that I'm good in bed; my fear is that someone better can be found.
* It's a fear of abandonment. I lived for a long time without having friends more than than a handful of years. People change, and I'm at a point in my life where I don't like change.
* It's a fear of loneliness. I hate being alone. I think that's part of why I am so giving - to keep people close to me.
* It's a fear of loss of trust. Two of my relationships ended because of a destruction of trust - both on the part of the girl and a friend.
* It's a selfish desire to be the only one.
* It's an upbringing that bred into me that we're only meant for one person. It's hard to reprogram your brain to think otherwise.

Usually it's only one thing at a time, but sometimes it's a combination of them. Right now, I'm not sure which is really is. Though I do know that I have no lack of trust in Elle. I think because of the nature of the relationship with Dom it's a matter of a feeling of sexual inadequacy. That's the one that always bothers me the most - because I know god-damn well that it's about more than that.

She's excited about Dom, though, and I am happy for that. I just hope that my emotions don't sully the experience, as they did for Nyla with T&I. I suppose an update is to come.