"A kiss is not a contract...but it's very nice" (1)
Nyla and I went down to Chicago to see her dad's family for Thanksgiving today. It's always an interesting visit with them. The only person who knows about our lifestyle within the group of those that typically show up to the event is her dad. So it makes for a bit of difficulty - at least in my opinion - to talk about anything not related to Nyla and I. As is typical with any family conversation, the obligatory question "how are things with you?" question comes up. Well, there's a lot going on in my life and in Nyla's life (more on that in the next day or so I imagine). What I'm forced to do, though, is talk about my job, our new apartment, and our cats. It just seems odd to have to hide something from so many people. Stupid stigmas.
On another note, Nyla and I were listening to Polyamory Weekly on the way home (she has the podcasts saved to her iPod for trips and such). There were two of importance to us that we listened to on the way home. One was with Alan from his Polyamory in the News blog on the Polyamory in the Media website; the other was about marriage. Or - more specifically - "what the fuck is up with marriage?" (2)
I talked somewhat briefly about this before, but I'll elaborate a bit more here. Nyla and I got married three years ago because we were in love, we wanted to be together for a long time, and we felt that marriage was the only viable venue for that. There was no concept of polyamory in our brain when we got married (and no, there weren't any kids, either). Minx and her guest in the episode in question talk about the decline of marriage and a need for reviewing the definition of what a marriage is or can be.
One things that bothered me that kept coming up was the idea of a contract as a marriage agreement. The talk centered around the concept that a couple could be together for a preset amount of time, as determined by the contract, and that, after that determined time, could be renegotiated should the couple not be compatible any longer. The question shouldn't be "why get married?"; it should be "why even bother with a relationship?". It baffles me that there are people who haven't the wear withal to work through issues with their significant other in order to strengthen the relationship. Yes, there will be incompatible people. BUT, if your vision of marriage is one of a renewable contract, then there's no incentive to work through problems if they come up because you can always just wait for the lease to run out.
Our marriage - and any of our other relationships - has always been about open communication and over the years that has steadily grown. Any infant couple struggles with being open with one another for a lone while, and Nyla and I quickly got over that. Even now, though, we have problems at times. If it weren't for our desire to work through them, then it wouldn't matter who I dated, or who she was with, because if one of us didn't like it, we could just bail, and it would all be for naught.
Relationships take work. They take commitment. They take dedication. If you are in one, and you can't manage any of those - even in a small dose - then get out. If it's something casual to you, then you have to let the other person know. But if you're in a relationship because you love that person (or even hold them in high regard) you have to be respectful enough to commit yourself to them in some fashion, dedicate a portion of your time, and work through issues. Yes, you may find that after some time it isn't worth it, but you have to be able to work through all the minor kinks to get to past all the issues that might make someone bail after their "trial period" on their "marriage lease".
In short, I got married out of love and a desire to be with the woman I loved forever. I'm polyamorous because I realized that I could love more than one person. That doesn't make my relationship with Nyla any less important, nor does that make my other relationships so. I work at all of them, and I work very hard.
There will always be varying definitions of marriage. That's for sure. But I don't believe that it should be whittled down to two people signing a mutual non-aggression pact like the Nazi's and the Soviet's.
1. Oh Flight of the Conchords how appropriate your words :) The title is a reference to a song of theirs with the lines A kiss is not a contract/but it's very nice/yes it's very nice.
2. As quoted from cunning minx herself in that very podcast.
