Who are you to judge?
Two things today: one is a response to an email I received; the other a response to a situation.
First, the email. A woman posted on craigslist looking for a relationship (I do still peruse them on occasion just for kicks), and she made mention that one of the things she "wouldn't adapt to" in her prospective boyfriends was polyamory. I emailed her out of sheer shock for the fact that she even knew what it meant. I told her that I was glad she knew knew the term. She told me that over the course of a few months she'd dated a couple of guys and the topic of polyamory had come up on a number of instances, and she was very turned-off by it. I asked her to explain further, and she said that said boyfriends (two of them) had told her that they wanted to date other people and wanted to be polyamorous. She went on to explain that said boyfriends were notorious cheaters before they were with her. My answer: they're looking to be poly; they're assholes using poly as an excuse to sleep around. That just pisses me off. I believe, perhaps, that I'll speak with her again, as she seems like an interesting person - albeit very avidly opposed to my lifestyle. But who am I to judge?
Now to the more important issue. Elle has recently been bombarded by both Madison and Rae regarding the fact that she corresponds (not meets or anythings - just talks to) more than one guy. Currently, Elle has two guys she's interested in meeting. Apparently, though, when she emailed back and forth for a few days with a third guy it was too much for the both of them, and they began to toss around a few uncouth words about her sexual habits. Mind you, Elle has only slept with one man her entire life - me. No one else has entered the picture at all yet. She's meeting boy #1 on Saturday for the first time.
So who are they to judge? Rae has been dating a guy for some time (and has bounced between him and other guys in the interim of a breakup) and is now seeking another boyfriend(s). So it makes me seriously raise a brow as to her definition of poly - and we've had this discussion before. Elle is a smart woman and very aware of what she's getting into. These guys are going to be friends first before something else happens; adding more people to a relationship network is very tough, and she sees what she and I have to do to manage and what Nyla and I have to do to manage. She's not going to start sleeping with guys at the drop of a hat - that's swinging. We're not swingers. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't controversial. I'm sure they would have a few things to say if they knew that Nyla was looking to date a couple. I suppose that by their definition that would place her under the "slut" category.
Intelligent relationships with multiple partners isn't being a whore; it's being non-monogamous. There are plenty of people who have multiple relationships all the time with people - and don't tell any of the others about it. People gloss over that with a thick comb. I think my biggest issue with this is the thought that simple interest in more than one person warrants some derision on their part toward Elle. It's disappointing.
Oh, and here are a few definitions for everyone's info. box:
slut: a promiscuous woman; especially prostitute
whore: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : prostitute; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman
