It's just sex...right?
When Nyla and I first started dating other people, the biggest thing I had to deal with - and still do - is sex with other people. I know it sounds hypocritical to say that I am uncomfortable about it, but it's the truth, and it's one of my insecurities. It haunts me to an extent; it's like I can visualize it, and that really bothers me. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I suspects it's from that sense of abandonment I get in situations where I think my relationship is in danger from another man* . . . but I'm no psychologist.
I ruined Nyla's relationship with T&I because of it. She may claim that she was better friends with them than lovers; my claim is that my severe level of discomfort at the mere mention of it was a great portion of the problem. And I've always regretted it. So when Elle began talking about other guys, I became a little short of breath. It hadn't come up before - even with Nick or Shawn (both of whom she met on a bdsm website), but it's come up with her new boy - now boyfriend as I've discovered.
So she fessed up last night after a bit of brief interrogation that she and J have been intimate. Now, it bothered me a little that she hadn't told me before - as a policy Nyla and I like to know about these things - and honesty is a major thing for me. I've felt for a little while that she was hiding something from me, and this explains it.
However, after sitting in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes while I waited for my face to stop bleeding (my cat felt it necessary to attack me last night) and then the rest of the night without much sleep, I came to this conclusion: it's just sex. Well a good relationship is more than that, but my insecurity comes down to just that - it's just sex. Nyla and I had a wonderful relationship when she was with T&I; she really enjoyed her time with them. I liked them as people. But for some reason the mere thought that they'd been intimate with one another clouded every other thought in my mind. After a notorious event at their house, things turned a bit sour between us, then between her and T&I, and then it ended with them, and really I should have been to blame. I ruined what could have been a good relationship.
I don't want to do that this time. Elle and I have a fairly solid relationship, and I'd hate to end all that because I get a little queasy when I think about her being with another man. Honestly, I should have no concerns.
Being poly, though (and here's your lesson for the day, kids), is hard work. One of my biggest demons is my insecurities sexually. I don't know where it stems from; I don't know why it bothers me so much. What I do know is that I should be stronger than that and learn to deal with them like a sane, healthy adult. I wish I could have learned that earlier in this whole experience, but I did not. I don't think that any level of apology will be sufficient to Nyla for not being able to do so sooner.
Insecurities are tough. Everyone has them and most of the time we're taught to just push them aside. Very few of us ever really have to deal with them in normal situations because we don't push our boundaries. Poly is an on-going learning experience for most of us, and we're constantly having to push our boundaries. You can't throw it all away at the first sign of difficulty. Any good relationship takes work; poly takes an exponential amount more. You're constantly having to re-evaluate yourself, your insecurities, your desires, your goals. If you don't - if you get stuck in some routine that makes you feel comfortable - then the slightest change will be a cataclysmic event. Learning that the hard way was not fun.
So that's my story.
*Read that as "I was cheated on twice"
