Coming Out Poly

So, I haven't posted in a while. I've had a lot to say, I just knew who was reading this and I didn't really want them to know what was going on with me, or to judge me, or take what I was saying wrong. But now that the cat is out of the bag and I'm free to blog it out.

So, I have a new guy. I'm not calling him my boyfriend, because I don't think I can yet, I just don't know him well enough, but for the sake of this blog lets just call him my guy friend Jay.

My guy friend Jay is from the same BDSM networking site in which I met the last guy I went on a date with. I was kind of sick with working around schedules and dealing with driving (as both of the guys I was looking to meet were hours away), so I looked on the site for guys my age and guys in my town. I found exactly one. He's a creative writing major, like myself, and goes to my school. He writes very well, and I just turn head over heels for guys with a good vocabulary :D. He also just happened to be passably attractive (for my weird tastes anyway, hehe), smart, and extremely funny. I was a little held up on the fact that he smokes, which is a major turn-off, but I wanted to be open-minded, so I dismissed it.

Anyway... We started seeing a lot more of each other recently and the longer I held it in and didn't tell Killian the worse I felt. I wasn't lying, but it was just as bad, and I knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to do tell him. I felt like he'd see me differently. He knew he saw me in this white light. He was my first, I had been with him and only him, I was his, in every way and I was in a way pure. I felt that if he knew I had started being with Jay intimately that he would think of me differently, like I was used, impure, different in some way. And that scared me so much. So I just kept quiet. I shouldn't have, I know it was wrong to have, but that's the way I deal with hard things. I put them off until the worst possible moment. I didn't tell my dad I had started dating for 5 months, in fact, I didn't even tell him, my aunt slipped up and told him by accident, but I figured- he never asked, so I never lied. And that's how I was dealing with this, I was waiting and when Killian asked I just would be honest with him. And he's asked, so I told.

He wasn't so much upset about me being with Jay, he knew it would happen eventually, it's kind of the point of an open relationship, but me keeping from him upset him, as it should, of course. We've talked it out though, and I'm so glad. I'm reassured about how much he truly loves me and it makes me so sublimely happy.

We'll see what happens. :)