Coming Out Poly

Last year, Nyla and I had a woman from LSU call us for an interview regarding non-traditional relationships. We spoke a lot about our newly open marriage, jealousy, intimacy, and a number of other things. It was a good discussion, and I should be getting the transcripts from that interview here in the next few days, which will be nice to read in light of this new bit of information. One of the big issues in a non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship is jealousy.

A woman at the Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh posted a request on the LovingMore group for responses to her questionnaire regarding non-monogamous relationships. It is pretty specifically geared toward polyamorous relationships, though, which I really like. I filled out the questionnaire (and you should, too) and passed it on to Nyla and Elle. I also emailed her some more personal information and offered to answer any questions she might have that were more specific than what was on the questionnaire. She was very pleased and responded well. I'll post a bit now and then a bit more later once I've answered some of her newer questions. I wanted to offer up this, though, because I like it.

I asked her what her interest in poly relationships and jealousy was, and she replied, "My interest in jealousy is how jealousy is viewed in polyamory as apposed to the concept of jealousy being 'natural' and a positive emotion, as seen in monogamy". She also went on to ask, "How do you personally feel jealousy is viewed in the polyamorous community?" Here's my answer; and just so everyone remembers, this is only my opinion.

"I think everyone - even within the poly community - reacts to jealousy in different ways. One of the things that took me a while to come to grips with was the difference between valid and invalid jealousy.

"Valid jealousy is that which springs from a sincere lack of something, whether it be intimacy, time, or other necessary resources. If someone is being denied something that they "require" out of their primary (or even secondary) relationship, and it is the responsibility of that primary or secondary partner to provide it, then jealousy is not only acceptable but understandable. The difference, I think, between the poly and non-poly communities in reacting to this valid jealousy is not only more open, but more civil, discussion of the problem. Too many monogamous couples let things exponentially get worse until there comes a breaking point that leads to unhealthy arguing. In my poly relationships, issues get worked out as soon as they arise; it saves a lot of time, effort, and miscommunication later.

"Invalid jealousy is exactly that: one's own insecurities rising to threaten a situation that needs no intervention. One of [the] rules [my wife and I had] was to not let anyone back to the house on the first date. Naturally it seems like a wise decision, especially if it's a first date with someone new. However, she started dating someone who she'd known for quite some time, but who'd never been to the house, and I had an argument with her about it. It was silly, and it was more a mature of trying to "have my way" than a valid reason to be jealous of her "encroaching upon our space". These are things that I think any poly individual learns to deal with on their own or with a trusted friend or partner. In a similar vein to my previous statement, poly couples are more about communication - I believe - and so they work things out much more proficiently and with a healthier attitude towards things."

So that's what I have to say about that. I just recently received a few new questions from her, so I will do my best to post a bit more about the topic later. Feel free to discuss.