Coming Out Poly

The woman from Herriot-Watt sent me some more questions. Here are my answers.

Can I ask do you feel the factors which trigger jealousy in your relationships, have changed over time?

The short answer: yes. I think that the longer I've been poly, the more I've been able to cope with my own issues of jealousy and insecurity. Where once I would have just pushed aside any of my anger or jealousy - being in a monogamous relationship - I now work them out in my own way, address the subject with my partner if it is necessary, and move on. I think, too, that what once would have been a big issue
is not anymore. There are few things now that truly affect me in a 'jealousy' way. I think that more of what I feel is envy at times, which is a lot less abrasive.

Do you feel people respond differently to jealousy when they have recently identified themselves as polyamorous?

Absolutely. When my wife and I first decided to try poly we were poly-fidelitous (meaning we only dated the same person, for us a woman). So there was a strong sense of "sharing", which led to a few issues when our girlfriend would do things with just one of us and not both of us. I think that was the first major issue. After two failed poly-fi relationships, my wife and I discussed the option of dating other people, as we'd both begun rather intimate platonic relationships with other people. It took a lot initially to let her go to another man's house; it takes a lot less now, seeing as my girlfriend has a boyfriend, and my wife is interested in another man, too.

[Do] you ever feel rewarded in a way for 'owning' your jealousy?

I take 'owning' to mean 'feeling vindicated' for your jealousy. I have felt that way, yes, but I don't think it's justifiable most of the time. I also think that using that against someone is entirely unhealthy, and I know people that are that way. I think a poly relationship relies on not only the ability to communicate, but the ability to provide a safe and comfortable environment in which to communicate. If that sense of vindication is always present, then there's a sense of being threatened by the person with that vindication if you want to come and talk to them. There should never be a reward for being right; you and your partner should just understand that something happened that shouldn't have, and that you'll both work to fix it and continue. I think another thing to be said about this is holding onto the past. I get a sense that this 'owning' of jealousy is a product of holding onto something for too long, waiting for something or someone to prove you right, so you can say "Aha! See!" and there's no justice or pride to be taken from that - in my opinion.

Also do you feel the inclusion of partners in a relationship e.g. Being aware of each other, meeting secondaries in person, developing friendships with your partners' primaries/secondaries makes a difference to feelings of jealousy?

In the experiences I've had it varies from one significant other to the other. With my wife, I've always felt a bit protective of who she might choose, though I always trust her judgment. I do, however, enjoy being part of her circle of friends and currently she's interested in one of them (and he knows about our lifestyle). I am much more comfortable with that. It also helps knowing them a bit when it comes to her. With my current girlfriend, though, it's different. She began dating a man that I'm not entirely fond of for some of his personal life choices. I just think he's a bad match. Because I know that I don't want to be around him, I choose not to know him or know much about him. Some of it is a jealousy issue because she has the opportunity to see him and be intimate with him more often than with me (because we live in separate houses, and I only spend the night with her once or twice a week). However, I fully trust her (which is more than some of her friends have shown), and I know that she'll make the right decision for herself.

Generally, though, it really comes down to whether they - meaning my SOs - wish me to meet their partners or lovers. They will typically approach me about it, we'll discuss it, and if I feel like I'd like to or need to, then I will. Otherwise I don't and sometime down the line I'll approach the subject again. It's always a learning process, and you have to take each incident separately.

So that's that. Discussion is always welcome.