Overcome
I think that there is a big misconception when it comes to feelings of jealousy/envy/inadequacy when it comes to polyamorous relationships.
Many people I have spoken with assume that we either a) don’t have those feelings at all because the people in the relationship don’t mean that much to each other or b) have them all the time, which leads to a “revelation moment” where everyone drops out of the relationship pissed and angry, never to speak with each other again.
Obviously neither of these are the case. Being human and having insecurities will eventually lead to problems – but this is in monogamous as well as polyamorous relationships.
I don’t think that there is anyone who hasn’t felt these feelings – it is just a little hard when there actually *is* another person that your subconscious forces you to compare yourself against.
Killian went through it when I was with T&I – it took him a while to reconcile his feelings, but he is a much stronger person for having done it.
I was really hoping to have learned from what Killian had to go through so I wouldn’t have to myself, but now I find myself feeling the same way with Elle. No one is happy about it, especially me. It’s difficult because I do really like Elle; I think that if she and I had met before the two of them dated we would have been friends as well. We have a lot in common and we feel the same way about a lot things; our personalities just mate really well.
Yet, I have been stuck in this 6 month long rut wondering why Killian loves her so much more than he does me. I’ve doubted myself and the feelings that Killian truly has for me at so many turns. I am really broken down, desperate, and lonely feeling. I find myself trying to distance myself from Killian expecting the inevitable “Dear John” letter to be on his pillow when I wake up alone in the middle of the night.
I’ve asked myself a thousand times why I feel this way. I am, generally, a really happy, optimistic person. I love people and I love being apart of people’s lives. In my doubts of depression the answers have varied from “because she is prettier/younger/smarter than I am” to the simple “because I don’t make him happy anymore”. It kills my spirit and it has hurt both me and him, but I haven’t been able to make those thoughts go away.
I’ve sat awake the last few nights staring at the ceiling and thinking. Why do I *really* feel this way? What is the *logical* reason for me to feel this way?
I was raised in a society that made me believe that the only equation in which 1+1=2 was that of one man and one woman together. The moment someone else entered the relationship, that was the end. Someone wasn’t happy, someone screamed through tears while the other slammed the door on a relationship they had been building for years but “just wasn’t working anymore”.
I know, because my parents ended that way. I saw them fight everyday; my mother crying and throwing things – fire in her eyes – while my father screamed with so much that he made himself shake. All because they weren’t happy with themselves, with each other, and my mother had found too many other men to fill the gap.
I’m trying my best to think of it all in the most logical manner possible. I’m trying to spend less time clinging to Killian and give he and Elle the time they deserve together. I think that convincing myself that everything *will* be okay is going to be difficult, but I have played what has felt like “the other woman” too long. I am hoping that in doing this, it is a step in the right direction. I want Killian to be happy and I know that Elle makes him happy, so I want her to be happy, too. I want us all to be able to live peacefully together and I want to feel the way I used to about myself.
