So some of the amazing people in the poly community have been working *really* hard to get up an amazing social network for poly people. Think of it as Facebook for polys. Epic, right?

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Last night Lyndzi and I went to the screening of "When Two Won't Do". UWM asked Lyndzi and I to also panel a discussion on polyamory and open relationships.

The movie was pretty good. It quite obviously took place in the 90s. It was a lot heavier than I expected (I won't ruin it for you, if you haven't seen it). I worry that it over-sexualized poly, personally. I know people feel differently about the whole sex and poly thing than I do. I feel that the biggest hurdle we, as a community, are having to overcome is people equating polyamory to swinging. My relationships are about sharing something special and intimate, not sex. I treat polyamory the same as a bunch of monogamous relationships that happen to be going on at the same time.

Some of the questions that Lyndzi and I were asked:

• How do you feel about legalizing multiple marriage?
  
  I believe that there is a long way to go before we are able to do something like multiple marriage. Gay marriage, obviously needs to come first. A lot of legal changes need to be made to allow for multiple marriage. How do you handle things like divorce, for instance? It is something that I would love to see one day, but I don't think it is the end goal for every relationship. The way I feel about marriage is different now that I am an adult and that I realise that having a piece of paper and a ceremony doesn't mean you love the other person more.
  
• Are you religious?
  
  The five of us are not religious, no. Some of us are spiritual, though.
  
• How do you go about making major decisions that effect the whole family?
  
  The same way every other family does: we talk about it. How will it effect everyone? What are the pros and cons?
  
• Do you know of any poly-friendly therapists in Milwaukee?
  
  There is a full list of poly friendly professionals available on our site in the resources section.
  
• Are you born poly?
  
  Some people believe they are. I, personally, believe it is an educated choice. I believe it's unfair to assume that one person can be everything. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone.
  
• Are there LGBT people in polyamorous relationships?
  
  Yes, of course. There are a number of LGBT people in our poly group. Open relationships in one form or another are just as likely in an LGBT relationship as they are in a heterosexual relationship.
  
• Do you get jealous?
  
  Everyone does. It's a matter of recognizing that you are being jealous and figure out what is causing it. Sometimes it's low self-esteem, sometimes it's a fear of abandonment, sometimes it is that they are feeling neglected. You just need to sit down with your partner(s) and discuss your feelings openly, honestly, and constructively.
  
• Do you know of any family-friendly (read:people with children) poly groups?
  
  Our group is family-friendly. We have a number of members who have children, from babies up to adults.
  

The only not-so-fun comment we had was from an older man who basically said that our relationships were superficial and that we were easily manipulated women that allowed the men in our lives to have affairs. I responded that his vocabulary and views of relationships were different from mine. Poly isn't for everyone. The relationships we have with each other aren't "affairs". Affairs imply cheating, lying, and hiding. What we do is open, honest, and ethical. I chose polyamory because I was able to choose what kind of relationship worked for me, not being stuck with what society decided I should have. I actually received compliments on answering the question so evenly - it made me proud :D

It's true that it is difficult to not take those kind of comments personally. They are almost always phrased in an aggressive, attacking way, whether or not the questioner realises it or not. I am used to the idea of having to "justify" my relationship style and have to assure people that we aren't out to assimilate them. I don't think that monogamy is a bad thing. I think that if that is what you consciously choose, it is your life. Do what makes you happy. I am doing the same for me.

Ashley, Lyndzi, and I will be at the University of Wisconsin -- Milwaukee this week for two showings of "When Two Won't Do" the documentary on polyamory. It's put on by UWM's SEXPO series and the Department of Sociocultural Programming.

Here is the link to the list of events: http://www.aux.uwm.edu/Union/events/concerts/socio.html

Ashley and Lyndzi will be at the UWM Student Union on Tuesday, November 17th at 7:00pm for the first showing with a panel discussion including them and one other member from the Coming Out Poly sponsored Young Milwaukee Poly Group.

I will be at the UWM dorms (which I believe requires a photo ID to attend) at the same time on Wednesday, November 18th.

If you're interested in attending either show, please do. We'll be discussing it at the group on Wednesday evening, which will be meeting at its regular time -- 7:00pm at the Tool Shed.

Also (from Lyndzi), if you're not on the google group then you haven't been up to date on the Thanksgiving plans. It will take place at Lisa's house, which we will give the address out to everyone that's interested via email or at the group itself, on Sunday, Nov. 22nd (That's this Sunday, for the people like me that can't believe this month has gone so fast!). It's a pot-luck function, like the Poly Picnic, so bring something to pass if you're able to. Hope to see you then. ^__^

I'm on the UWM campus today - and I tend to be when I don't have much to do - and I'm noticing more and more the gap in age between me and some of these students. I'm 28 (very nearly 29), and a lot of these students are a decade younger than I am. I suppose we're still in the same "Generation X/Generation Y" group, but it's hard to really relate to some of these folks, and I'm racking my brain trying to figure out how to do that.

There's been a bit of a movement amongst some of us to really address the issue of the "Older Generation" and "Younger Generation" in the poly community, because it's there, and it's something worthy of discussion. Alan mentioned in his response to our news spot and op-ed in the Shepherd Express that we were doing something few other poly's had done: coming out completely by giving our full name and showing our face. I think it shows the difference between the generations in that we, as the Younger Generation, are more open to outing ourselves because we're more comfortable with the openness and free exchange of ideas that the Internet provides.

"Sex and Geeks" as my wife termed it. It's a generational mindset that sort of puts a gap between us in terms of world view and how to approach the notion of addressing the public. As a Younger Generation, we have people like Tristan Taormino and Jenny Block to look up to because they have been outspoken and completed outed of their own volition. The role models (some, not all) of the Older Generation had pseudonyms even after publishing fairly recognized and well-researched books. Why? The stigma was too great to risk public exposure. Now, it's really not that big a deal - at least for us. The traditions still flow deep in the Older Generation (as Miss Polyamory said in our interview), and it's hard to break free of them.

So being on campus makes me feel like there's a whole group of people uneducated about the ways of poly, and it's a great place to present the subject to them and give them the education when they're still learning how to be themselves. Exploration is what college is all about - sexual, intellectual, social - and it's a great place to tap into the free exchange of knowledge.

I'll be posting fliers when I get an opportunity to advertise for our group, which I hope will bring a fair amount of people. We're happy that we've had a steady membership of about 15 every session since we started (with a little variation here and there throughout the year). That's good, and we're hoping for more because it's a world entirely foreign and best not explored alone. Believe me, Ashe, Lyndzi, and I have been there.

One of the most common questions we get asked when people hear that we are poly is "How do you find the time?". Most of the people asking reason that they have one significant other and can't imagine dedicating that much time or attention to more people than that.

Currently, our family consists of 5 people. I've been married to Boone for 6 years and have a long-term boyfriend, Matt. Boone has been dating Lyndzi for 2+ years who also has a boyfriend, John, she has been with for nearly the same amount of time. That gives us 5 different people with 5 completely different schedules: we have to schedule around work, running two different businesses, school, and multiple groups that we are involved with in the community. On top of that are things like chores, errands, etc. It certainly doesn't leave a lot of time, but somehow we make things work (not to say there aren't ever wrinkles in this plan!). Having been in serious poly relationships for at least the past 2+ years, we have had quite a bit of time to work out what does and doesn't do it for us.

At the last Coming Out Poly group meeting, it was asked how we schedule things. Those that know us personally have heard about my calendaring system (and giggled at it. I know you have! ). I have 13 separate google calendars (I swear by them) that loosely run our every day lives. We have regular "date days" that we spend with specific people that way we know when to make special plans with that person, as well as days that are flexible where it doesn't really matter who we are with.

I think, too, with how much we have going on, we all have to be understanding and respectful of each other's schedules. Even with as extensively as I request things get calendared (being in my family means regularly hearing me say "put it on the calendar!".), things comes up that you just can't plan for. Personal issues, emergencies, etc require attention from different people and a bit of flexibility in how we live our lives.

And yet, with how many things are demanding our time and attention, I actually feel like I am more in control of my life now than I ever was when I was monogamous. I can't credit poly for everything (open minded, non-traditional family members also help), but I believe it has had a big part in it. I have never wanted to be known as one half (or fifth, in this case) of a relationship. I am my own person with my own ideas, needs, and wants - my relationship doesn't define the person I am. I think that being in a relationship like this has made me realize, now more than ever, that I am an individual. The things I want out of life don't need to align perfectly with my partners. They have their own wants and needs, too. We are all living our own lives and *sharing* them with each other, not living one life together. Other people have made the same connection that I have and I think it is almost enlightening. Over the past month since I had this epiphany I have realized exactly how much freedom there is in choosing your own lifestyle and being able to get your needs met (not only relationship-wise).

I've been thinking about what I want out of life, what I need to do for myself to make me happy. The list seems long, but I am working on it one thing at a time.

I need to go back to school and finish my degree. If I can figure out how to pay my bills while I am in school full time, I can go back in the spring. I have been out of school for about 6 years now and it seems that the longer I wait to go back the harder it gets. I feel like I lose more faith in my ability to go back to school as the years go by, so I need to finish now while I can.

I need more personal space. Currently the living situation is Boone and I together, everyone else in their own place. Boone and I decided to experiment with living separately for a bit. The idea scared me at first because 1) change is always perceived as bad 2) society tells me that because I am in a long-term relationship I should be living with my partner and have as much of my life entangled into his. We are two different people, though, with two different ideas for living our daily lives and it isn't fair to either of us to force our own ideas onto the other. I prefer something more minimal and simplistic while Boone is the opposite. It isn't fair for me to ask him to go more minimal or for me to give up those ideas, either. I don't know exactly how well it'll go until it happens, but I am thinking that it can only serve to improve our relationship and alleviate undo strain.

I need to cut back the number of things that demand my constant attention. I have been neglecting my friends (and, frankly, have been a bad friend) while halfheartedly attending to commitments that I come to regret. I have an issue with saying "no" to a fault. I get overwhelmed and stressed and everything starts to suffer a little. No more doing that. Likewise, the things I do commit to, I need to commit to fully and follow through.

I need to improve the relationship with myself. I spend way too much time sitting in front of my computer when I could be enriching my life in other ways. I need to read more. I need to spend more quality time with the people who mean a lot to me. I need to exercise more often and make a commitment to getting my health where it should be. I need to learn to enjoy spending time with myself.

Related: I need more independence - it's been a long time since I did something to help myself. I have a lot of unresolved personal issues and I think it's time to join a support group or talk to someone. The idea of that absolutely terrifies me, but my loving, supportive poly family has made it aware that they are there for me and want me to get better. I couldn't ask for a better reason to do it.